Myriad of Other Things

I learned something about myself last year. I, Kelsea Rambin, hold onto things for way too long. I think they will help me and guide me. But I'm so wrong.

2012 was quite the year for me. Graduation, college, engagement - just skimming the top. Stuff way deeper than that happened. I found myself, thanks to the help of others. I learned that I have my own opinions and it's okay to say them sometimes. And it's also okay to say them when other people disagree.

When I grew up, I honestly thought everyone was going to have the same thoughts, no matter what. If they didn't agree with anyone else, they would just hug and kiss and get over it. But that is not how things go.

I saw 9/11, divorces, fights, and a myriad of other things happen as I grew up. I learned not everyone agrees and has the same thoughts and prayers. I also learned that's okay.

I came across my own personal relationship with someone not as equally yoked as me. He controlled and forced. I said "No way, man!" but I stayed way past my heart's welcome. I wanted so badly for him to see how I saw things, but all he saw was his on narrow-minded ways. I finally said "Hit the road" and he did, but on his own terms. I still get angry at myself for letting him linger for so long. And for letting myself stay for too long.

My last experience with unequal thoughts was last year. I lost one of my best friends because of different biblical views and it breaks my heart. If you guys don't already know, I don't bash LGBT. The saying goes "Hate the sin, not the sinner" and that saying goes far with me. I don't judge easily, as the Bible says not to anyways. My friend saw two gays in passing at a clothing shop and pointed them out to me, ever so loudly.

"Omg, Kelsea, did you see that??"

Harsh. What was so different about them than us two? They were two friends shopping just like us that day. Her judgement was swift and cut into me like it was me being judged.

That ate away at me for a good few months till something came up and I stopped talking to her. She messaged my mom to see what was up and I responded. We had a civilized fight and our friendship broke-up. It hurt just as much as a regular break up.

I was going to be cool with it and keep her as an acquaintance, but she blocked me and one other friend, but kept everyone else. Ouch. Four years of friendship, countless photos and hang-outs thrown out because of civil disagreements. Whatever.

As you guys can tell, I'm still pretty hung up on that. I have this difficulty of letting go of things that took up such a large part of my life and heart. It's such a flaw in my character and doesn't help me move on or anything. It just keeps me there, in that moment for as long as it wants... Geez.

I was reading through my journals the other day and I just thought to myself "Why the heck am I still keeping these things around?" I honestly don't have any inclination why. I read through and just shook my head at how naive I really was.

Maybe I'll keep them around for a few more years or until I get famous and publish them as separate memoirs. Yeah, the latter sounds the best. Ha

I honestly thought I'd be like "Yeah, whatever. I'm going to be super tough and not care that you did something petty like block me on Facebook or talked behind my back or didn't like me like I liked you." But I'm going to be honest. I'm not okay with that. I do really hurt inside. I keep thinking that it was some stupid reason and it's all my fault. It might be, it might not. It's probably a mixture of both. Who really knows?

I hold onto things way longer than I should. I think they're going to miraculously disappear on their own or help me cope with the things that happened connected to it. I'm wrong. It holds me back and doesn't let me move on. Not that it's much to move on from, but it just sucks that I have this nagging thought always in the back of my mind. These myriad of things stay way past their welcome.

Don't Stick to the Status Quo

I may be 19, but I know what I want. I am not dumb. I am not misguided. I know what my heart and mind yearn for, and that is to live the life that God has planned for me and not be judged for it.

Even before I started classes at college, I began to feel uneasy about it. Pushed into school. Forced to get up and learn stuff I didn't necessarily want to learn. I then talked it out with my parents and figured out school wasn't for me. I just can't stand sitting in a classroom for over and hour, listening to a lecture about things that don't even matter that much to me. I decided that I'd much rather start to save money than go to school, which is a-okay with me. And that's the only person it needs to be okay with in the long run.

I am starting to plan my future with my fiance. We're trying to find a place, trying to figure out money, trying to get good jobs (and keep them), and trying to plan a wedding as well. When me and my fiance got engaged, well actually a little before it, we knew that we didn't want a long engagement. 6 months, tops. We got engaged on Thanksgiving and will be married exactly 5 months and 5 days after that. We are laid back, so anything that happens, we'll be perfectly fine with. We just want to get married. (:

When others ask what is going on with school or with my engagement, I tell them. I wait for their judgment and disapproving looks. I'm actually surprised if I get a genuine smile and congrats. Mine and his family/friends have been 100% about me and him getting married. They anxiously waited just as much as me for him to ask me to be his forever. That is what we wish all people would be like when we tell them. It's not happening though.

A lot of people are "concerned" about my college education and my young marriage. I don't really care what they say. I went into my old work and excitedly showed my left hand to my old co-worker and boss. My co-worker was ecstatic, but my boss was a pin that burst my bubble. She thought I was joking when I told her I would be getting married with half a year. She thought I was going to wait a while. That's something I don't understand. Why would I wait, say 1-3 years, to get married after I'm engaged? I find that ridiculous.

Some people give advice [unwillingly...] that I should finish school before I get married. But I don't want to go to school. I don't want a degree. I know plenty of people who have a degree and aren't even using it. All I have to say is "What's the point?"

But then there are those dime a dozen that hug us really tight and give their congrats and can't wait to see the pictures and get an invitation. They want it just as much as we do. And they don't think I'm that young.

My mom was telling me about her talking to a friend. They got on the subject of the engagement [because that's what all the buzz was about that week in our circle of friends]. The friend said to my mom "She's probably been getting it a lot, but honestly, I don't think she's that young. I think she's perfectly fine." That made me smile. That made me feel loved. That made me feel heard.

I'm getting married soon, whether you like it or not. I am ready to start being a [semi] grown-up and figuring my own future. I am honestly tired of hearing that I should do this instead of that. Be here, instead of there. Act like that, but not this. I don't need any sort of judgment coming my way in the next few months. I know that what I'm doing isn't the status quo, per say. But that's just me; I don't really fit in with the status quo.

Hebrews 13:17

This won't be a long post. I just wanted to take the time to talk about the recent election. And this will be the only time that I will take the time to type out what exactly I feel.

I am mad at this election. No matter which way this election went, someone wasn't going to be happy. I have seen so many pictures and statuses going around at how disappointed they are in America. Do you know how horrible that is to say? I take that as an offence. Not everything is going to go the way you wanted it to be.

This was the first election that I could have voted in. I didn't. A lot of people will call me stupid for this, but I would rather not vote this time around. I did not feel like I was as informed as I wanted it to be, and I stuck beside that, even if every time someone looked at me like I killed a puppy.

Hebrews 13:17 states that we should submit ourselves to authority, because if we don't it is unbecoming of us as a Christian whole. It is what God wants. Honestly, I think that anyone who is going to stand on a street corner holding signs about Obama/Romney being the devil, and that we're going to Hell, is ignorant.

Oh, politics...

I Am Thankful

The time is upon us to look at everything we have to be thankful for.

My list includes (but isn't limited to):
     - my family
     - my friends
     - my boyfriend
     - a house
     - being able to at least go to college

I could go on and on and on about how awesome everything around me is going, but that will just take me too long. I am so blessed and thankful for the many things God has put in my life. I sometimes can't fathom it.

I am thankful for a family who is there for me. I have two siblings and two parents that I can talk to and they'll hear me. My parents drove me to and from rehearsals and have payed for numerous things. My mom was my teacher, which is a big sacrifice. My dad taught me how to act. My sister is my friend for life. My brother is my confidant. My mom is a hard worker. My dad is a creative genius. My brother is hilarious. My sister is a triple-threat (in due time). I also have three pets that will make me warm on the coldest nights. All those things make my family dynamic and way different than any of the other ones I've met. I'm blessed, loved, and thankful for all those things they show me.

I am thankful for my friends who make me laugh and listen to me. I have so many groups of friends, that sometimes I don't believe I have that many friends. That God would give me all those people to call my friends. I have my friends who I've known for almost 10 years, some through high school, some through theatre, and then some that have just shown up. My theatre friends share my biggest interest. They understand a theatre reference and laugh along. They know how hard it is. My friends through high school know my earlier days. When I was growing up and deciding what life was about. They have heard all my crazy ideas and they still love me.

I'm thankful for my boyfriend who is my rock. I've known for about a year now, dated him for almost 8 months. I love him. He's not just my boyfriend, but my best friend. He understands me, listens to what i have to say, loves me when I'm being ridiculous, and he trusts me. We had a good friendship before we started dating, so that helped us a lot. We understand each other's feelings about certain things that others won't understand. We daydream about the future. He helps me think outside the box. He makes me a better person. I am truly blessed AND thankful for him being in my life. I sometimes can't believe it how much God had blessed me.

I am thankful for a house to go to every day when I need it. I know that any of my friends would willingly give me a space in their house, but I am thankful that my parents have jobs to keep paying for a house and keeping my siblings warm. I know that instead of commuting to school, I could be living in a dorm here at DSC, but I'd much rather fall asleep in my queen-sized bed and see my family every day. My house is nice.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to further my education. I really am. I hope that you don't think that I'm ungrateful for my opportunity to study some more. I love that I was given the chance to at least go to the community college. My college professors have stated that only 1% of people actually have their degree. I think that's crazy. But as of now, I'm still pretty sure I won't be going back to school. I'll see what else is out there for me. I just don't feel comfortable here. It's a different experience that I'm thankful for.

Boy, I have so much to be thankful for. I can't even believe it for myself. Thank you, Jesus, for these awesome opportunities and amazing people in my life that have made me someone special. Who make me feel special. I am beyond grateful. I am beyond thankful.

Take Me Seriously

I am almost 19 and am not a child anymore. I am making grown-up decisions and am trying to figure things out on my own. I know that I am not going to make the smartest decisions out there and I'm probably going to be disappointed more than once in my life.

Ever since I made my decision to not go back to college and pursue traveling, I have felt judged for this decision. Like I have not fully thought through how difficult it is going to be. Let me tell you, I know how difficult it is going to be. This is not just a pack up and go thing. I will have to sit for a few days just to figure out all the expenses. Then where I'll go. Then how it will happen. It will take me YEARS to save up the funds to get to a starting point.

When I tell people that I will be traveling the world they think that's crazy, that it's a little kid's idea. Ouch. A little kid thinks that all they have to do is pack a backpack of some clothes (don't forget your toothbrush...) and think of some magical place that is far away. That's not me. I will be packing several backpacks plus more full of clothes, snacks, and boredom busters. I will be putting my passport in there and anticipate the adventure that awaits.

I don't know if others think that I don't think it's NOT going to be hard work. Oh boy... I'm probably going to want to give up some times. Days will be harder than others. I will be relying on God a lot through the journey to the Journey. I don't expect easy. I really don't. I want everyone to know that I know that I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY. Nor do I expect it to be.

I think people might also think that when I say "travel the world," they think that's silly. Honestly, I think it's a bit silly myself. The words, not the actual action. The words do sound a bit kiddish, but it's the only thing that's easy to sum up what I'm going to do.

Also, I won't be going at this alone. I'll have my love with me. He will be helping. He wants this just as much as I do. This is his adventure just as much as it is mine. I am excited to have found someone to come along with me. We are both mentally preparing ourselves for the road ahead of saving.

I am also aware of how difficult it will be once I move out of my house and have to start paying for my own expenses. If I think wisely and have a strict plan in place and know the end point, I will not falter. My dear and I will be able to do what we have to do. If things come up, such a either of cars needs a repair or we aren't able to save much that month, we'll just keep on trucking. I am confident in this and am thankful that he will be there to help me when I need him.

I am ready for the responsibility that this plan will take. I am ready to work hard. I want to work hard for this, because it means it is something I want very badly and the rewards that will come with it will be priceless.

All I ask of the skeptics that have heard my plan is to not think so harshly. This is my dream and what I want to fulfill in my life. How I get there is my decision. I know it will not be easy in the least, nor do I want it to be. I want this to be a learning experience. My dear is ready for the adventure that leads to the adventure just like me. We are a team.

I Hate You

I hate you, I really do. You cause heartache where it's not needed and pain when things in life are going well. No one asked for you to come around and reek havoc on our lives. I mean, yeah, sometimes we need assurance that God will provide for us, but we didn't want this type of pain. That type of hopelessness. That type of sadness.

I hate how you treat the people who deserve the best so harshly. They've cared so much for everyone, but you come and show them that good people don't get good things. They get unhappiness. They get money issues. They get the last thing they expected.

I hate how you look. You cause people to turn into someone they're not. They're almost unrecognizable if you don't look closely enough. When people are at the high point of their lives, you cause them to come tumbling down.

You're not fun and you're not nice. You make me angry and cause me to question my Heavenly Father. I wish I could grab you and scream in your face and ask why you have to be so harsh, so uncaring, so rude. You take things that are beautiful and make them weak. But then again, after you've left, people become strong because of you. You put them through trials and make them stronger. They might think they were tough and able to do anything before you came, but they are much more capable after you left.

When will you finally go away? When will important people find the one thing to make you disappear? When will some never have to fear your return? Just the thought of you coming back and staying put for an indefinite amount of time scares some people to tears. It does me.

I guess you can't be all bad. but I don't know. All I know for sure is that I hate you, cancer.

I AM BLESSED

I am going to be 19 years old this November. I can honestly say everything I've done in those numerous amount of years is wonderful. I've made mistakes, but learned from them. I fought my battles and won more than I lost. Made silly decisions, but went with their outcome. I loved, but was turned away for good reasons. All those things make me who I am, and I am not ashamed. I am blessed.

I have been thrown curve balls throughout my 19 years. Some good, some "eh." This past year was a humongous one. I thought I had my near future planned out, but once it snuck up on me, I realized I was wrong. I did not know the first thing that was going to happen when I graduated. I just thought it would come to me or it would be semi-easy to figure it out, but nope, that's not how life goes. When I graduated, I had visited a few schools and picked one and said "sure, I'll take it." without really knowing why or what was going to happen when packed up my belongings and drove 1-3 hours from my family and friends. My thoughts were that as soon as I graduated, I had to start being serious about my life. That I had to do this, this, and this because that's what X, Y, and Z said so.

Ha Ha HA

I have learned that what X, Y, and Z have said is completely unrelated to me. They are only thinking of what is best for them. Now see, I am not your normal high school graduate. I am not cut out to be a college student I have figured out. I'm not cut out for traditional learning. I have been in school for a month now and am okay with it, but not satisfied. It does not quench my thirst. It does not get me excited like I want it to.

Since I don't want to go to college, then what am I supposed to do? Stay up late at night with the only source of light being my laptop? *buzzer noise* Wrong. Laze around and be a mooch off my parents income and groceries? *buzzer noise* Wrong again. Coast by on my minimum wage job for the next few years and hope something better comes along?? *buzzer noise* wrong Wrong WRONG. All those things sound nice, but they're too easy. They're not good enough for me. They're not good enough for the plan God has for me. This plan I have in my head is going to rock my world. Ready? OKAY!

For the next 2-3 years, I plan on saving. SAVING, SAVING, SAVING every penny, dollar, and dime thrown my way to travel this beautiful God-given world we live on. I am driven to travel. I am blessed to feel His presence in every move I'm making in this plan. I am almost to tears thinking that I am going to do this one day. I will be a world traveler/missionary. Who knows what's going to happen between now and the day I take my first step into the world, but I know that I'm excited for it and hunger for what the world has to show me.

But, you may ask, how am I to get an education? What craziness is it to not have a college degree if I want to be someone one day. Psh. Whatever. Formal education is not what makes me feel good about myself. If I get a good grade on a paper or test, that's great - for the first few seconds. The most exciting thing that's happened in my college experience so far is looking into a microscope and seeing these teensy, weensy protozoa and algae scoot around. I am being serious. It fascinated me to see such small creatures magnified to such strength. To know that God created something so small is amazing and it brought awe to me. It's the small things that interest me.

My college experience isn't at all how I pictured, as I said in my last post. Living at home, community college, not really meeting anyone new or interesting. But I'm okay with it, because now I'm realizing it's in His plan. Oh, my gosh. What a revelation. I was angry for no reason. I was upset and crying because things weren't going my way. Silly Kelsea. How foolish I was. I'm staying here to be prepared for my very much anticipated adventure across the lands of Europe and the Appalachians. To see the beautiful girl I sponsored this past summer from Nicaragua. To continue my relationship with my boyfriend, who I love very much. If I had gone away to some college to try and begin some future there, what would have happened to him? I don't even want to know. It breaks my heart too much.

Whoa. I've come such a far way since I took a hold on my life. Knowing that I have the support from my most important people around me makes me feel so much safer too. I've got my best friend, her boyfriend, MY boyfriend, and my family all here for me and it makes me emotional. They're going to pray for me when I need them too. They're going to hug me when I say goodbye. They're going to pick me up when I've fallen. They're just going to be there for me, and that's all I need from them. But they do so much more for me and it makes me feel blessed.

I am going to be 19 in two months. In the next few years I'm hoping to not be where I am right now, physically. I'm hoping that I can go back to this post and say to myself and anyone willing to hear "I made it!!! I did what I thought I could!! I did what God put in my heart. I am blessed beyond belief!" Now looking back at everything I have posted on this blog has put a lot into perspective. I am growing and changing daily, and I am so thankful for that. I think of how silly I was to think "the Gentleman" and I were so serious when the amazing relationship I am in NOW has surpassed it in more way than I can count. I think of how crazy I thought the idea was to actually be able to travel, that that was just some silly fantasy. Nope, that's actually going to happen, believe it or not. I am blessed beyond anything and everything to know that I'm going to be living my dream sooner than I think. MaggieMae909 (♥