I Hate You

I hate you, I really do. You cause heartache where it's not needed and pain when things in life are going well. No one asked for you to come around and reek havoc on our lives. I mean, yeah, sometimes we need assurance that God will provide for us, but we didn't want this type of pain. That type of hopelessness. That type of sadness.

I hate how you treat the people who deserve the best so harshly. They've cared so much for everyone, but you come and show them that good people don't get good things. They get unhappiness. They get money issues. They get the last thing they expected.

I hate how you look. You cause people to turn into someone they're not. They're almost unrecognizable if you don't look closely enough. When people are at the high point of their lives, you cause them to come tumbling down.

You're not fun and you're not nice. You make me angry and cause me to question my Heavenly Father. I wish I could grab you and scream in your face and ask why you have to be so harsh, so uncaring, so rude. You take things that are beautiful and make them weak. But then again, after you've left, people become strong because of you. You put them through trials and make them stronger. They might think they were tough and able to do anything before you came, but they are much more capable after you left.

When will you finally go away? When will important people find the one thing to make you disappear? When will some never have to fear your return? Just the thought of you coming back and staying put for an indefinite amount of time scares some people to tears. It does me.

I guess you can't be all bad. but I don't know. All I know for sure is that I hate you, cancer.

I AM BLESSED

I am going to be 19 years old this November. I can honestly say everything I've done in those numerous amount of years is wonderful. I've made mistakes, but learned from them. I fought my battles and won more than I lost. Made silly decisions, but went with their outcome. I loved, but was turned away for good reasons. All those things make me who I am, and I am not ashamed. I am blessed.

I have been thrown curve balls throughout my 19 years. Some good, some "eh." This past year was a humongous one. I thought I had my near future planned out, but once it snuck up on me, I realized I was wrong. I did not know the first thing that was going to happen when I graduated. I just thought it would come to me or it would be semi-easy to figure it out, but nope, that's not how life goes. When I graduated, I had visited a few schools and picked one and said "sure, I'll take it." without really knowing why or what was going to happen when packed up my belongings and drove 1-3 hours from my family and friends. My thoughts were that as soon as I graduated, I had to start being serious about my life. That I had to do this, this, and this because that's what X, Y, and Z said so.

Ha Ha HA

I have learned that what X, Y, and Z have said is completely unrelated to me. They are only thinking of what is best for them. Now see, I am not your normal high school graduate. I am not cut out to be a college student I have figured out. I'm not cut out for traditional learning. I have been in school for a month now and am okay with it, but not satisfied. It does not quench my thirst. It does not get me excited like I want it to.

Since I don't want to go to college, then what am I supposed to do? Stay up late at night with the only source of light being my laptop? *buzzer noise* Wrong. Laze around and be a mooch off my parents income and groceries? *buzzer noise* Wrong again. Coast by on my minimum wage job for the next few years and hope something better comes along?? *buzzer noise* wrong Wrong WRONG. All those things sound nice, but they're too easy. They're not good enough for me. They're not good enough for the plan God has for me. This plan I have in my head is going to rock my world. Ready? OKAY!

For the next 2-3 years, I plan on saving. SAVING, SAVING, SAVING every penny, dollar, and dime thrown my way to travel this beautiful God-given world we live on. I am driven to travel. I am blessed to feel His presence in every move I'm making in this plan. I am almost to tears thinking that I am going to do this one day. I will be a world traveler/missionary. Who knows what's going to happen between now and the day I take my first step into the world, but I know that I'm excited for it and hunger for what the world has to show me.

But, you may ask, how am I to get an education? What craziness is it to not have a college degree if I want to be someone one day. Psh. Whatever. Formal education is not what makes me feel good about myself. If I get a good grade on a paper or test, that's great - for the first few seconds. The most exciting thing that's happened in my college experience so far is looking into a microscope and seeing these teensy, weensy protozoa and algae scoot around. I am being serious. It fascinated me to see such small creatures magnified to such strength. To know that God created something so small is amazing and it brought awe to me. It's the small things that interest me.

My college experience isn't at all how I pictured, as I said in my last post. Living at home, community college, not really meeting anyone new or interesting. But I'm okay with it, because now I'm realizing it's in His plan. Oh, my gosh. What a revelation. I was angry for no reason. I was upset and crying because things weren't going my way. Silly Kelsea. How foolish I was. I'm staying here to be prepared for my very much anticipated adventure across the lands of Europe and the Appalachians. To see the beautiful girl I sponsored this past summer from Nicaragua. To continue my relationship with my boyfriend, who I love very much. If I had gone away to some college to try and begin some future there, what would have happened to him? I don't even want to know. It breaks my heart too much.

Whoa. I've come such a far way since I took a hold on my life. Knowing that I have the support from my most important people around me makes me feel so much safer too. I've got my best friend, her boyfriend, MY boyfriend, and my family all here for me and it makes me emotional. They're going to pray for me when I need them too. They're going to hug me when I say goodbye. They're going to pick me up when I've fallen. They're just going to be there for me, and that's all I need from them. But they do so much more for me and it makes me feel blessed.

I am going to be 19 in two months. In the next few years I'm hoping to not be where I am right now, physically. I'm hoping that I can go back to this post and say to myself and anyone willing to hear "I made it!!! I did what I thought I could!! I did what God put in my heart. I am blessed beyond belief!" Now looking back at everything I have posted on this blog has put a lot into perspective. I am growing and changing daily, and I am so thankful for that. I think of how silly I was to think "the Gentleman" and I were so serious when the amazing relationship I am in NOW has surpassed it in more way than I can count. I think of how crazy I thought the idea was to actually be able to travel, that that was just some silly fantasy. Nope, that's actually going to happen, believe it or not. I am blessed beyond anything and everything to know that I'm going to be living my dream sooner than I think. MaggieMae909 (♥