Hi, my name is "Future", nice to meet you.

Whoa. Another year is ending. My future and the journey towards the end is coming... I'm kind of scared, but at the same time, I really can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

So it's been about 6 months since my last post. I've been thinking about blogging again for a while, but then school, work, and my life got in the way. I said tomorrow, but i'm probably the worst procrastinator you'll ever meet. Well, I'm back, finally, at 12:30 am... go figure.

I really wasn't planning on coming back to post, I was actually thinking of deleting my account on here permanently, just because I never did get on here... but I need to let my feelings out and I felt that I would give my blog one last huzzah and give it a proper farewell.

These past 6 months have been so crazy. Dual-enrollment at the local state college, starting my senior year of highschool, part-time job, day dreaming, friends, life in general. Also, I had to think about my future, like, seriously. Not just theoretically, which scares the ever loving pee out of me because it means making a final decision... no turning back. Eek.

So I would lay for hours in my bed, thinking about the life I'm supposed to have, my major and minor, and the college i feel is right for me. I only visited two schools, but I felt I found the right one, which I'm super excited about. It's close to home and it is the right size, so I feel comfortable. Now about the major. Gosh, that took a long time to figure out. I wanted to find the right thing for me. Finally, while running in the battlefield, I knew exactly the perfect field for me to do and I honestly can't wait to start my classes to really learn what I have to do.

I figured all that stuff out, so now I can take a break, right?? Ha. No. Had to actually apply to schools to get anywhere. So that part of the experience happened. The filling out of the application was easy, but having it go through and be processed is a different story. It's still going through the system and still will be for another month or so. But it'll be worth the wait.

My future is so bright and beautiful, I can just see it now. I'm going to get married. I'll live in an apartment. I'm going to go on vacations with friends. I'll visit family. I'll travel the world. All of that is what's in my future, and I just can't wait to experience it. MaggieMae909♥

I Don't Care

There have been several times in my life where I've had to tell someone "I don't care." I didn't care about them, what they had to say, how they felt, or anything to do with them. They were taking up valuable space in my mind and I was tired of hearing them talk.

Most of the time I'm saying I don't care about what that person does, like if my sister wants to do something around the house or play something, I'll just say "I don't care" because, honestly I don't. Not in a bad way, of course. I care what she does, but it's not enough to actually count in my mind.

Or if I get really mad and someone tries to make sure I'm alright, I try and push it away and tell them I don't care what happened, even though I really do, deep inside my heart.

Sometimes, people are shocked that I've said "I don't care" to them, because I'm telling them I don't care about what they're saying. Yeah, it's harsh, but sometimes, the truth hurts. Recently, I got so mad that I practically yelled "I don't care" at them because all they were talking about was themselves and had been the past 5 times I'd talked to them. They talked about how they needed this girl and they were trying to talk to her parents, trying to make it right. And that they were going to buy a new car at the end of the summer. And how he was having a hard time with his friends. It was nice to hear these things, but when they never cared enough to see what was going on in my world, I totally block them out.

See, I would've cared, I really would have.... if they asked about my life, my summer, my friends, my journey, but they never did. It was all about HIM. It seemed like he was taking advantage of the fact that he had a rough childhood and wanted people to feel guilty about what was happening in their own lives, like it wasn't something to cry about.

I know that I talk too much about things and get caught up in my world and overthink things and just go on and on about nothing. But I try and catch myself. I don't want to come off as selfish. I would feel awful and be so mad at myself that I never asked them a simple question about THEM. Because I know the feeling of not being cared about. Who wants that?

I try my very best to think of all people before myself. I want to make sure people are comfortable, are feeling alright, are happy, and every feeling in between. I don't want a person to feel left out. Every person has feelings. And every person counts. Remeber that. MaggieMae909♥

Boys

What complicated creatures are the things we call boys. They taunt us, break us, torture us with their words and sweet, sweet smiles. And when I say us I mean girls, of course. About every other week, month, or even day we fall victim to another boys innocent looks and charms.


I am like any other girl on this planet. I see a cute guy, bat my lashes, laugh at every dumb joke, plan my whole life around them, and wait for the magical moment of their eyes meeting mine and thinking it is love. I hope and pray that every second we don't see each other he is thinking of me the way I'm thinking of him. Because if he doesn't, my heart breaks and I go into a very slight depression for a week or so.

For a few years, all I thought about was having a boyfriend. That was back in middle school. I over obsessed at how I looked when I went out. I cared too much about the outside of a person instead of the inside. When one friend was in a so-called "relationship", I needed to have one too or I just didn't "measure up." Being homeschooled and in middle school kinda set you apart from the others. People thought you were weird, unsocialized, and/or stupid. None of those things ever pertained to me. At least I don't think so. MY POINT is that I didn't really have a chance to have a "relationship." Now looking back, I can fully see I didn't need one. No one had a car, job, or time.

But eventually I found someone who liked me. Someone who thought I was fun, pretty, sweet, cute, and cool enough to spend their time with. I thought I was so lucky. I still think I am, just because I learned. We were young. We hurt each others feelings. He took it too seriously. I was all about fun. It ended on a sour note. He's always in my heart and I'll never forget him.


As I grew up, I figured out that relationships take time, effort, planning, and money. This was sort of a shock to me. It just hit me one day that relationships aren't just about yourself. You have to think about the other person too.

Which leads me into the last relationship I had. This guy was a gentleman. He treated me right. We went on legit dates. He wanted to take things slow - for the first few months. After that it went down hill. If I had a differing opinion, I was wrong. If I wanted to spend more time with him or him take me somewhere nice, it would make him tense. He was always saving up for the next best thing. That made me mad and confused, thinking I wasn't worth it. But finally I figured out I didn't want it anymore and I let myself go. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Of course, I was sad. I spent almost 10 months with this guy. He was my life. I was going to have to learn to live life as one person and not two.

I've treated boys as play things. I know that I am pretty. I use it to my advantage a lot of times. Now don't think of me as conceited or full of myself. I'm neither. I love my looks. I've embraced them. I've been told over and over and over again to not play with boys' hearts. But it's so hard not to when you know you'd never see or talk to them again. As I grow older, I do see that it's immature to do that and I'm growing out of it.

I'm going to meet so many more boys in my future. Romance may blossom out of those meetings or a deep dislike could come out of it. I'm just waiting for that one boy to come in and sweep me off my feet. This will take a while. I know boys sometimes just aren't ready for the commitment and the time for a relationship, and I've accepted it, no matter how hard it was. Boys are beautiful creatures. I just need to figure out why. MaggieMae909 ♥

Secrets

"Hey! Come here."

"Umm, okay..."

"psss-psss-psss-psss"

"No. Way."



That is the conversation most elementary and middle school children have at lunch time. They share the secret of the day to one person, which is then told to another person, which is then spread through the whole school. I've been there. It's not pretty.


As kids, the secrets we shared or kept were small and insignificant, like you bought something you weren't necessarily supposed to or kissed the cheek of the "hottest" boy in your class. It's big news to you and you told you're best friend and they crossed their heart and hoped to die, but eventually it would make it back around to you and all you can say is 'great...'


When we grow older, secrets can be deadly. We are told by our friends to keep secrets that are life threatening, like cutting and eating disorders, or we keep those secrets. Other times we tell them anonymously, like on the website http://www.sixbillionsecrets.com/. You post your secret. They can be about love, coming out, anxiety, fear, or any secret you have. It's for people to be unjudgemental, which is hard to do. That's why a lot of people hold their secrets in. They're afraid of being looked over or judged. They're scared. I know I would be.


Secrets are silly sometimes and cause drama because the words have been twisted and manipulated into something completely different to make a person look bad. Those people live off of people being hurt and torn and beaten. They love the pain of someone else but couldn't stand it happening to themselves.


I have my fair share of secrets. Ones I keep in my heart and mind and never tell a soul. I've forgotten most of them, just because I have to to keep them from being spoken again. I gossip just like anybody else, but I really try not too, because I know that if I say one thing about someone, two things are being said about me by someone else.


By telling a secret you're breaking a person's trust for you. They confided in you and you pinkie promised and you said the little rhyme "cross my heart, hope to die, stick a thousand needles in my eye" and went your ways. Well then comes that big get-together with that other friend and you start talking. You talk about the other and you open your big mouth and the secret just slips out like a balloon losing all it's helium. It happened. Now your friend hates you. It happens repeatedly in your life and always has the same outcome.



As we grow older and figure things out, we find that keeping a silly little secret is immature. Sometimes you need to tell, but sometimes, to keep the drama to a minimum (or you actually have to), it's best to let things unfold by itself.


When we get older, a new thing comes into play: dating. Boys become irresistible and you think you'll die without them. I've most definitely been there and done that. I've even had a couple of secret relationships, but of course, everyone knew about them, even though I thought they were hush hush. I kept a major one from my parents for a while. He'll be called "Bad Boy" on here. I thought he was the coolest thing in the world. I thought I could handle the whole thing. Well... I was wrong. Go figure?


Bad Boy was easy on the eyes, so sweet to me, talked to me about anything, had "experience", but was, like his name states, a boy. Nothing more, nothing less. I kept our relationship a secret from my parents. They saw us one night and that was it. I figured out I was more into the secrecy and running around behind their backs and having this rough and tough kind of guy than I was the relationship. It was a lesson I learned.


Secrets can spin out of control. They're just words, but then they turn into hurt feelings and lost friendships. Choose what you say and who you say it to wisely. They might come back to haunt you. MaggieMae909♥

Goodbye

Goodbyes are unique things. Sometimes you're relieved after one, sometimes you cry. I've experienced every emotion in between before and after a goodbye to people.


Goodbye. Take the two words apart and it says good bye. Does that mean bye for good? Or was it a good, as in awesome/great bye? You could take it either way when you are in different situations and with different people. Some people never allow themselves to say goodbye because they don't want to be away from people. It's always "see you later!" I personally never really think about it when I say goodbye. I assume i will see them soon. But sometimes that doesn't happen. Life is so unexpected sometimes. We take for granted a lot of the time. I know I do.


Goodbye to a loved one is always very difficult. It personally takes me a while until I realize they're never going to be seen by anyone else on the earth ever again. It is definitely heart breaking. But in time, the heart heals and you move onto being happy and living life like you're supposed to.


Another hard goodbye is relationships. I've had my fair share of them. You say goodbye and think life will be the same exact way as it was however many months ago it was, but you're sorely mistaken. Some guys never say a proper goodbye others like to have the last word. Others try so hard to pretend you were never a significant part of theirs or your life.


I never enjoy having to say goodbye to anyone, especially that special someone. I don't want to grab hold to the fact that our relationship isn't there anymore and that I have to find someone else to spend my time with. Or just living my life as one person and not two.


When goodbyes come along unexpectedly, you go into shock. Like two weeks ago a tornado destroyed my hometown. I grew up in this town. This town is filled with my childhood. I never thought something so unbelievable could happen here. We're a small town. We're looked over. But now we're on national news and being talked about all over the country. It's unreal and I never said a proper goodbye to Ringgold.


I need to start realizing my life is going to be full of goodbyes. One could be around the corner. Some could be standing there, waiting for me to realize what's happening. I just need to open my eyes and let everything fall into place. (: MaggieMae909 ♥

Perfect Imperfection

I honestly never want to be perfect. I love being perfectly imperfect. Oxymorounos, right? But it is way better than being a Barbie doll.

Ever since I can remember, I've never believed I could be perfect. Not in a bad way, but in an amazing, quirky way. I will always have my niches and flaws and I've learned to embrace them. Perfect perfect is boring. Imperfect perfect is better.

All the imperfections I've had in my life are beautiful. They may go across my mind as being awful at some time or another, but I don't let that rule my life. I love how they've helped me become this person I am now. I am imperfectly happy with myself.

I love Hannah Montana's song "Nobody's Perfect". Yes, I'm admitting that I love Hannah Montana. I'm such a dork, but that's not the point at the moment. The lyrics to this bubble-gum pop song actually speak to me.

"Everybody makes mistakes."

Pure. Genius. Hannah Montana, being the wonderful role model she is, is trying to tell the many young women (and some young boys) that it's okay to have your mistakes in life. Everyone makes mistakes. They make us the beautiful imperfect people we are.

Another singer, Pink, just came out with a great song: "Perfect". This song, also like "Nobody's Perfect", is telling everyone who wants to listen that they are perfect, no matter what people say. When someone says awful things behind your back or to your face, please, just ignore them. They are so insecure about what they have done in their past and are just taking their anger out on you.

I, like any other girl, have gone through that period of hating her own body. I never went far enough to cause myself to become anorexic, bulimic, or any other eating disorder. I would put myself down sometimes. I'd call myself fat, but then wonder "What is this going to do to help my self-esteem?" Then I'd turn around and tell myself "You're so beautiful. Appreciate yourself."

I don't think I've heard any of my friends ever complain about their bodies to an awful extent, meaning calling themselves fat over and over again. That just puts everyone else into an awkward position.

All of my boy and girl friends are absolutely beautiful. They are all so happy and unique in every single thing they do. They also never say one negative thing about any other person. If they do, then obviously, they are not my friend. I despise negativity and pessimistic attitudes. They are like a never-ending rainstorm looming over my shoulders.

When I think of perfection, I never imagine a Barbie doll. I imagine someone who's been through Hell and back. There is a story behind their eyes and a fire that burns deep inside their soul. They have bruises and scars scattered all over their arms and legs, just waiting for someone to ask them the story behind each one. Like Mary Poppins says about herself, you are "practically perfect in every way." (: MaggieMae909 ♥

12 Months

These past twelve months have been eventful. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that my opinion matters, my friends are the best thing, and that my heart can only take so much. I tried to put so much in my life at once and it backfired on me.

The year started off different. I was letting go of a past I wasn't proud of, but that I was owning up to. But then a guy came into my life. It looked promising from the beginning, but it ended on a bad note. We broke up, twice. He kept saying it was going to get better, but I saw nothing change. I gave every single ounce of my hope towards the relationship, but I realized I shouldn't have. It wasn't used the correct way.

We had arguments more than we should have, meaning we shouldn't have had any at all, but my opinions and beliefs were different from his. I didn't care whether ours were the same or different. I thought it was great having this person so different than me, so we could have great in depth talks, but he didn't see it that way. I wanted so much to believe in the relationship. I spent way more time than I should have with him.

After our final break-up, I hung out with my two best friends. They had been there for me from the very beginning of the year to the end. They went shopping till our feet were sore, let me talk till my voice was hoarse, and spent hours just listening to what I had to say about that guy. They mean the world to me and I wouldn't replace them. They are my sisters, definitely and I love them.

At the beginning of the year, I told myself that I couldn't audition for a play at the theater I perform at usually. It was going to be difficult, but I ended up getting a job, which took up a lot of my time. I was so thankful to have that distraction. I ended up working the night of one of the auditions of the summer production. It was so tempting to go there, but I knew I didn't need it. I was spending time with That Guy and the friends I needed.

I loved the summer. It's my second favorite season. I can get a tan, wear shorts and put my hair in braids and sleep in as late as I feel like. I had more time to spend with my photography and just "be." It worked, for a little while.

When school started I was so happy to start focusing my time on something. I started to excersize and run. I found a new love for it and tried to run as much as possible. Running helped me be a better, happier me. I noticed a change between when I was ran and when I didn't. I found a great running partner who helped me keep going even when I thought I couldn't finish.

I was in drama class again, so that kinda helped cope with not doing plays. I had great friends in that class, so I enjoyed being around them. I also did choir which had great people too. In each class I had a different bond between everyone. They were all nice and I enjoyed their company.

This past year had started with a lot in store. I had my first love, gotten my licence, had the summer worth living, became a legal adult in Georgia, and made new friends. That sounds like the best year a person could have. I wouldn't trade it for anything, for sure. (: MaggieMae909 ♥