Myriad of Other Things

I learned something about myself last year. I, Kelsea Rambin, hold onto things for way too long. I think they will help me and guide me. But I'm so wrong.

2012 was quite the year for me. Graduation, college, engagement - just skimming the top. Stuff way deeper than that happened. I found myself, thanks to the help of others. I learned that I have my own opinions and it's okay to say them sometimes. And it's also okay to say them when other people disagree.

When I grew up, I honestly thought everyone was going to have the same thoughts, no matter what. If they didn't agree with anyone else, they would just hug and kiss and get over it. But that is not how things go.

I saw 9/11, divorces, fights, and a myriad of other things happen as I grew up. I learned not everyone agrees and has the same thoughts and prayers. I also learned that's okay.

I came across my own personal relationship with someone not as equally yoked as me. He controlled and forced. I said "No way, man!" but I stayed way past my heart's welcome. I wanted so badly for him to see how I saw things, but all he saw was his on narrow-minded ways. I finally said "Hit the road" and he did, but on his own terms. I still get angry at myself for letting him linger for so long. And for letting myself stay for too long.

My last experience with unequal thoughts was last year. I lost one of my best friends because of different biblical views and it breaks my heart. If you guys don't already know, I don't bash LGBT. The saying goes "Hate the sin, not the sinner" and that saying goes far with me. I don't judge easily, as the Bible says not to anyways. My friend saw two gays in passing at a clothing shop and pointed them out to me, ever so loudly.

"Omg, Kelsea, did you see that??"

Harsh. What was so different about them than us two? They were two friends shopping just like us that day. Her judgement was swift and cut into me like it was me being judged.

That ate away at me for a good few months till something came up and I stopped talking to her. She messaged my mom to see what was up and I responded. We had a civilized fight and our friendship broke-up. It hurt just as much as a regular break up.

I was going to be cool with it and keep her as an acquaintance, but she blocked me and one other friend, but kept everyone else. Ouch. Four years of friendship, countless photos and hang-outs thrown out because of civil disagreements. Whatever.

As you guys can tell, I'm still pretty hung up on that. I have this difficulty of letting go of things that took up such a large part of my life and heart. It's such a flaw in my character and doesn't help me move on or anything. It just keeps me there, in that moment for as long as it wants... Geez.

I was reading through my journals the other day and I just thought to myself "Why the heck am I still keeping these things around?" I honestly don't have any inclination why. I read through and just shook my head at how naive I really was.

Maybe I'll keep them around for a few more years or until I get famous and publish them as separate memoirs. Yeah, the latter sounds the best. Ha

I honestly thought I'd be like "Yeah, whatever. I'm going to be super tough and not care that you did something petty like block me on Facebook or talked behind my back or didn't like me like I liked you." But I'm going to be honest. I'm not okay with that. I do really hurt inside. I keep thinking that it was some stupid reason and it's all my fault. It might be, it might not. It's probably a mixture of both. Who really knows?

I hold onto things way longer than I should. I think they're going to miraculously disappear on their own or help me cope with the things that happened connected to it. I'm wrong. It holds me back and doesn't let me move on. Not that it's much to move on from, but it just sucks that I have this nagging thought always in the back of my mind. These myriad of things stay way past their welcome.